Lebron James Is Such A...

This morning the funny folks over at Deadspin published two articles. One titled "Lebron James is a Cocksucker" and one titled "Counterpoint: Lebron James is Not a Cocksucker." You see where it's going. Both articles amusing in their own ways, and they got me thinking.
So, since everyone is doing it, so I guess it's my turn to jump off the bridge and offer my thoughts about Lebron James. First of all, to Cleveland fans: Shut up! Shut your ignorant faces! This is basketball. This is a sport that would be nothing without the morals instilled in it (if there are any morals at all) by American capitalism. It's all about money, sex, and performance. That's why people watch it. They don't watch it out of some odd attraction to this so-called moral high ground that Cleveland and its fans pride themselves in possessing. You are not superior to the rest of the country. No one cares about you. That's why you are Cleveland.
Secondly, to Lebron: Miami? You do realize that with Bosh and Wade no one will care if you win 10 NBA Championships. And this point has been made ad nauseum but it is still a good one: Congrats you are now the New York Yankees. Also Lebron: I admire you for taking less money with the hopes of winning. But why Miami. If you are going to pick a city where you can win, fine. But let's just think about where those wins will actually mean something. I have two recs:
Dallas. Yes, Dallas. Even though Dallas sucks because it's mostly interstates and restaurants, it is still a cool city for basketball. People love the Mavs, and they really need a championship at this point. Look at their lineup. They just need that extra little push. Enter Lebron. At least here, he could make a name for himself apart from Cleveland pissant, ninny fans or Michael Jordan's legacy if he were going to Chicago.
And speaking of Chicago and Jordan's legacy. Why do you care Lebron? You are Lebron James. Everyone, including you, regards you as pretty much the Ben Hur of modern Basketball. So why not directly attack Air's legacy? Show us how good you are. Also, you'd give Chicago an actual, viable sports franchise to pull for. They need that. And the Blackhawks don't count, because, let's face it, it's hockey.
It's all too late now, of course. And in the meantime, by choosing Miami - and I don't hold anything against you here - you have given me cause to peace out and not follow professional for another quarter century.